November 1, 2004

Dear You:

My mother would be thrilled to hear what I’m about to tell you. I’m sure you remember that she’s been trying to bring me over to Wicca for years. What a contradiction she is, an evangelical witch, seems oxymoronic to me. Anyway, I know that if I were to share this with her, she would send thanks up to the Goddess and invite me to her next circle.

I grew up listening to her tell us about the thinning of the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead on All Hallow’s Eve, or Samhain as it’s properly called. And while it’s true that I’m always more nostalgic in the fall, this is the first year when I can feel that I’m truly closer to my dearly departed than usual. Most noticeably, I can feel your presence with me all of the time.

Last night we had the annual Halloween party, with all the kids dressed up and drinking witch’s brew from the cauldron. I wish you could have seen our children in their face paint and funny hats. But I think you did, I swear I saw you peeking around the corner at me. At one point, I almost asked you to watch the baby so I could help the older kids bob for apples. It’s been almost 10 months since your funeral and tonight it felt like you were with me.

I brought the kids home, washed the makeup and sugar coating off their faces and tucked them into bed. I thought maybe once I was here, I would be able to shake your presence off. A glass of wine would help, I thought. But it didn’t. And neither did the second or third glass. It made you feel closer. Instead of the usual loneliness that surrounds your memories, however, I felt peaceful and happy. We sat on the couch, holding hands and laughing at the kids’ knock-knock jokes.

When you leaned over to kiss me, I was as breathless as I was the first night when we were 15 and walking alone on a trail in the woods. Ten months is a long time to go without being properly kissed and you reminded me just how much I missed it. Your hands went to my hair and I was touching your face all over, memorizing you again like I have been doing for 17 years.

Initially, I kept thinking that you were going to disappear any moment and leave me again. Those first few kisses were bittersweet, filling me with both longing and dread. But your gentle insistence and your skilled tongue soon had me lying back onto the couch, surrendering to you as I always have.

Your mouth on my mouth and your knee pressing between my thighs, opening me to you set me on fire and I was wet and ready for you immediately. But you laughed at my impatience, telling me to hold on, slow down. I could feel that we really had only this one night together before the veil would close again and I decided to heed your words and savor every moment.

Slowly you stood and undressed. Your physical beauty struck me, as it always does. I could see our daughter’s name tattooed on your back and the scar on your knee from the car accident in our second year of marriage. You leaned down over me and unbuttoned my shirt, unhooked the front clasp on my bra, and slid my long skirt and panties down in one motion.

Tentatively, I reached out and touched the soft hairs on your chest and realized just how hungry I was for your flesh. I opened my hands flat and ran them all over your upper body, taking in your warmth, still unable to believe that you were really here with me. You lay back down on top of me and kissed me deeply again.

Without the unnatural boundary of clothing I was desperate to have you inside me, but you effortlessly lifted both of my hands above my head and held them, torturing my lips with your kisses and then moving down to play with my breasts. Your hot mouth closing around my nipples sent chills through my body as you licked, sucked and eventually sunk your teeth into them over and over again. I was writhing under you, arching my pubic bone into your leg seeking release through a slow grind.

You love the little sounds I make when I want you that bad. You always said that I sounded like a kitten begging for more milk, just mewing and moaning and so so so hungry.

Slowly you let go of my wrists and started traveling down my belly, running your hands down my sides as you went. Little kisses and nips with your teeth revealed the promise of the pleasure you were about to give me. My hands were back in your hair, touching your face, just trying to drink you in through my fingers. You laughed as you kissed the sparse hair growing on my pubic mound and slowly reached your finger inside of me.

As always, you were delighted to find me soaking wet and clenching you tightly. You pulled your finger out and looked me in eye as you licked it clean, clearly enjoying my taste. Then you lowered your head and kissed me as deeply on my pussy as you had on my mouth. I was almost gone on that first contact, but you pulled back and smiled your devilish grin at me. You reached back inside me with two fingers this time and immediately found my g-spot. Your tongue went back to my clit as you sent me to the moon in five fast seconds.

I was blinded by my orgasm, trying not to scream out, but desperately wanting more. I raised my hips to you, softly begging: “Please don’t stop, Oh God, I need this so bad, Please More Yes Please.”

Always the generous lover, you continued until I was gushing my wetness out all over your hand and your mouth and the couch. But still you didn’t stop. You continued working me with your fingers and your mouth and sometimes laughing at my passion as wave after wave of orgasm rolled over me. Finally, my begging changed and I started saying, “Please let me breathe, Please, Just a minute, I need just a minute, Please….”

Still, even as you decreased your pressure and speed, your fingers stayed inside me as you looked up at me and said, “I love you Baby. I love you so much. Remember me, always Remember Me.”

I reached down to your shoulders and pulled you up to cover my body with yours and kissed your mouth clean of my juice, getting every last drop. And when you offered me your hand, I took it greedily too and sucked your fingers clean as well. Then I couldn’t wait anymore, I reached between your legs and felt for your cock. You were hard as a rock and you moaned as I grabbed you just the way you like. I stroked you a few times, but I really needed to feel you fill me. I wrapped my legs around your back and used my heels to press you forward, guiding you into me with my hand.

I love the way you’ve always entered me. Not a little at a time, inch by inch, but all at once, driving into me in one deep, earth shattering stroke. I love the feeling of going from being completely empty and aching for you to being completely full. That first stroke always pushes all of my air out in one fast exhale as I welcome you.

Tonight, once you were buried in me, you leaned down and kissed me again with more and more urgency. My hands were all over your back and as you started to build speed and momentum, I went from gentle exploration to greedy scratching and clawing. Pulling my nails across the tender flesh of your lower back drove you even more wild, and you fucked me hard, making me cry out in a combination of delight and overuse. Still I hung on tight and matched your thrusts, rising to meet you again and again. I bit your shoulders and your neck in my hunger and you responded by redoubling your efforts and pounding me harder and faster.

I watched your face as you grew closer and closer to the edge. Looking on you with pure love, I said, “Yes, That’s right, I want to feel you cum inside me, Yes, Do it…” And you opened your eyes to stare back as you exploded inside me and I said, “I love you too, with all that I am…”

We lay there together in a puddle of warmth and fluids and love, shivering on the couch and softly touching each other’s faces and necks. Eventually, I felt sleepy and you gently picked me up and carried me to our bed. You pulled back the blankets and lay me down softly. Then you crawled in next to me and wrapped yourself around me holding me tight and whispering nothing and everything into my ear as I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke this morning you were gone. I have to ask myself if it was real, it’s so hard to believe it when my bed is empty again and I’m alone. I had to sit and immediately write this so that I can hold on to last night forever, even though I fear that it was all the desperate illusion of a half-drunk widow. But I can see the bite marks on my shoulder and feel the familiar ache in my hips from having my legs held up in the air for so long. I can still smell you on my skin, and taste the salt of your flesh on the backs of my hands. I am sore and well spent.

And I do love you. No matter what happens, you’ll always own my heart. Good-bye again, my lover. Please come back, next Samhain. I will wait for you as the veil thins and welcome you with my arms open wide.

Forever Yours…