Voltaire is quoted as saying, “It is one of the superstitions of the human mind, to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.” For me there was zero concern of virtue. Nope, the only reason that I am still a virgin, is simple, bad luck.

My name is Joe Archer and I live in Texas, a state where, in case you don’t know, football is huge, hell it’s as big as religion, so when my parents weren’t thumping me over the head with a bible, they were throwing footballs at me non-stop. The Archer dream was for me to become the first professional football playing Baptist preacher.

Religion as it was, always seemed to be, well, how should I say it, bullshit. I never bought into the whole package like my parents and siblings have. My mother not so fondly refers to me as her, Dirty Little Atheist Bastard. She also tells everyone that will listen, that I must have been switched at birth, because after she had caught me watching porn on her ipad, I was also forever known as the Fornicating Pig. Football on the other hand, stuck. I have what one might say is, above average skills for my age and the region that I live in. I practice hard, and have excelled at every level, but it has come at a cost. I play high school ball for a Division 1 team and we have our sights set on being State Champions and some say that we might have a shot. My family has hopes and dreams that I’ll get a scholarship to a big school, be a star and be drafted to the NFL. I can honestly say that for once in my life, that I hope their dreams come true. I work as hard as I can to try and make it happen. But the only thing standing in my way or that might stop me is, for the lack of a better word, pussy.

At 18 years old, being a virgin can be detrimental to your social status All my teammates razz me about it in good fun, but I can hear them talking behind my back. I’ve tried to deny the facts, but we live in a small town and go to a small enough school, so the flashing neon “virgin” light is always flashing over my head. I want to pop my cherry so bad that I’m tempted to bang my sister for Christ sakes.

The last regular season game for our school was being played on the upcoming Friday night and our OLB, Troy, was going to have an end of season BBQ at his families, home. They were huge boosters of the team and our school, so they supply us with food and beer even though we were all underaged drinkers. Yep, no problem feeding 18-year-old football players booze and letting them fuck like rabbits, as long as, they won the game on Friday night and repented their sins on Sunday morning. So, a plan was developed by my teammates, to help me lose my virginity.

“Hey Arch, I just talked to Jess and everything is a go for Friday night. Her cousin Savannah is coming over to stay. Jess says that she’s a sure thing and she know who you are and thinks you’re cute, so she’s down to fuck.”

“Come on man, what are you, my pimp?” Jess was Troy’s girlfriend and his co-conspirator in trying to get me laid.

“Don’t be like that man. We’re trying to help get you laid.”

“Savannah, really? Everyone knows that Savannah’s a porn star name. She’ll probably give me an STD.”

“What’s fucking wrong with you man?”

“I’m just sayin, you couldn’t get a Debbie or a Theresa? That name has porn star written all over it and if not, she is at the very least a stripper. “Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage for your viewing pleasure Savannah or everyone, put your hands together and give this young lady a warm welcome to the center stage of the Pussy Palace”, sounds about right, doesn’t it?”

“You’re a tool. Don’t fuck this up with all your insecurities, Jess and I worked our asses off planning this. The fact that she may have a little more experience than some other girls will be beneficial to you.”

“Whatever. I’ll catch you tomorrow.” Doing the math, on the probabilities of my finally having sex, weighed heavily in my favor. According to Troy, Savannah was a goer or as he put it “a sure thing”, she knew who I was, she thought that I was cute, and she liked jocks. It sounded like a touchdown to me. So, there was only one thing left for me to do, buy some condoms.

Walgreens should have been my natural choice, but I was thinking with the wrong head and ended up at the local Mom and Pop drugstore, the one where my parents shopped. Their condom selection, as limited as it was, still had me baffled. I didn’t know which one to get, thin, ribbed, lubed, I had no freakin idea, so I pulled out my phone, took a couple of shots and sent them off to Troy. He knew his shit and hopefully, he could give me a second opinion. But just as I put my hand in my pocket, I felt an old boney hand grab my shoulder and the shit hit the fan.

“Put em back son.”

“Put what back?” To my absolute horror the old man that was holding on to my shirt, yelled up to his wife at the very front of the store.

“Marge, call the cops. I caught the Archer kid stealing condoms.” Every head in the whole place turned toward me. Fuck the condoms, I needed some goddamn Depends, because I was 5 seconds away from pissing and shitting in my pants.

“You what? I didn’t steal anything, you made a mistake.” Whispering to try and reason with the old kook. You know what, the hell with it, I’m 18, I’m allowed to legally purchase condoms in this state, fuck it, I’ll wait for the cops. This mess will be cleared up in no time. I was calm as could be.

“George, the cops are on the way and I called his mother, she’s coming too.”

“YOU FUCKING DID WHAT??? YOU CRAZY OLD CUNT.” It just slipped out, but in the form of a scream and loud enough for every single person in the store to hear. I was done for, my parents would never understand this, no more football for me, I’d be living out my days in a monastery instead.

They sat me in the front of the store, on display, giving every shopper that passed by me, the ability to call me a “sinner” and tell their children to “look away”. Marge or Ethel or whatever the old bitch that just ruined my life, had no problem whatsoever telling anyone new who came into the store, why I was seated there. “That’s the Archer boy, the one that plays football. George caught the dirty little sinner stealing condoms. ”

The local equivalent of Barney Fife showed up just seconds before my mother, they both were screaming questions at me at the same time, neither was very impressed when I just sat there quietly.

“Joseph, I swear to the lord, you will burn in hell for stealing the tools of the devil, just so you can fornicate with some dirty little harlot.” I was counting down the days until I started college and could get the hell out of this town.

“Mom, calm down, I didn’t take anything.”

Barney piped in with the obligatory, “You watch your mouth boy.” So, I felt the need to retort with, “or what, you gonna shoot me for putting my phone in my pocket?” This earned me a slap from my mother and the indignity of being frisked in front of the entire store. Of course, nothing was found, George insisted that the package was in my pocket, Barney confirmed that they weren’t, but he read my texts, looked at the pictures and relayed to the store owners, my mother and anyone else that showed any interest, exactly what my intentions were for the upcoming Friday evening. So, in short, no condoms, a life time ban from the store, a stern warning from a cop and a religious zealot of a mother that was screaming that I needed to repent my sins. Maybe being a virgin was not so bad.

Friday couldn’t come any faster for me, no pun intended. I was really looking forward to the game, nearly as much as I was looking forward to my date with a girl named after many porn stars. In the game, I was in control and knew what to do and I just kept doing it. I went 27 for 33, 261 passing yds, 3 touchdown passes and 67 yds rushing. We won in style. If only I could keep the winning momentum going into tonight.

Troy’s folks, out did themselves, lots of great food and ice-cold beer. There were as many adult fans at the party as there were high school kids. Lots of back patting and hand shaking was going around. I was speaking with a scout from the University of Colorado Boulder, when I saw Jess giving me a wave, I excused myself, I rushed over.

“Hey Joe, I want you to meet my cousin Vanna. Vanna, this is Joe.” Vanna, aka, porn star Savannah, was exactly what I had hoped for, blond hair, blue eyes, a pretty face, tits and with any luck, a pussy.

“Wow Joe, what a great game tonight. You looked really, really, good out there, my dad says that you guys will probably win State.” She stood there looking sexy as fuck and she knew that I was checking her out, head to toe.

“Thanks.” I guess I’m a man of few words.

“Joe, do you feel like getting us a beer and maybe we can talk a little bit.” Oh, yeah, that was definitely code for “let’s fuck”, if I ever heard it. I sprinted across the yard to the bar to grab us both a couple of tallboys and sprinted back.

“Here, I got us both two.” I was charming her right out of her pants.

“Thank you. Did you feel like taking a walk?”

“Sure.” This was guaranteed, the best night of her life so far, and it had only just begun.

As we walked toward the barn, I dazzled Savannah with my witty rapport, “nice night”, oh yeah, “lots of stars”, she was putty in my hands. We climbed the ladder up into the hay loft and opened the end doors so that we could look out over the party. This may surprise some, but it was Savannah, my porn star looking vixen that made the first move. She turned and kissed me. I was hooked. I had kissed other girls but never with this much passion. Savannah was squirming and moaning, “oh, oh, oh, oh fuck” and we had only just started, hell I didn’t even put my tongue into her mouth yet. I think this is going to be a great night.

“Joe, stop. Wait.” What the fuck, maybe she was so turned on that she couldn’t take anymore. Nope, not the case. In my haste I hadn’t put my beers down and when I hugged her into my body, the cold amber liquid was pouring down her back and into the crack of her ass. I was quite literally, soaking her and her panties to the bone.

“Holy shit, I’m so sorry.” Savannah smiled and didn’t appear to be overly angry, so I set the beers down on a bale of hay and picked up where we had left off. After a few minutes of kissing, Savannah stopped me and said that she really wanted a cigarette. Honestly, I thought that that only happened after sex. She must be turned on as fuck, so much so that she’s willing burn down a barn by smoking in it.

Savannah finished her smoke, disposed of the butt in one of the beer cans and we were ready to go. My god, she was so sexy, as she started to remove her wet, white cotton blouse. Once it was off, she stood there in her black lacy bra and it was by far, the sexiest things I had ever saw in my life, even better than the girls I’d seen in dirty magazines. My dick was so hard, it was painful. The anticipation of seeing those naked tits was killing me, but to her credit, I wasn’t kept waiting for long. In one fluid movement, it was off. Savannah’s breasts hung gloriously from her chest, they looked perky and hard, I couldn’t stop myself from drooling.

When this blonde porn star goddess wannabe, reached out and pulled my hands up to her tits, I was hers for life, she owned me, and she knew it. I was making sounds like a pig looking for food and I was dry humping the air, but it didn’t seem to be causing her any concern. Those tits were soft and hard at the same time, something that I just couldn’t explain, and I wasn’t sure what to do next until she whispered, “Joe, take your pants off for me.” So, I did as I was told, quickly I was standing there in my jockeys, jeans around my feet, my boner threatening to snap in half. Savannah, who had been calling all of the plays so far tonight, eased herself down onto her knees in the hay in front of me.

Savannah looked up at me from her knees, her beautiful eyes making direct contact with mine, her lips glistening with shiny gloss, as she reached forward and tugged my Hanes down to my ankles, I knew what was coming, I’ve seen the movies, I’d read the books, my dick was about to get sucked and it was going to be, SPEC”FUCKING”TACULAR.

Well, maybe not so much. Savannah wrapped her soft hand around my cock and that was all she wrote, my spunk flew everywhere, Savannah let out a shocked screech and started cussing, now that I think of it, it wasn’t very ladylike at all, but the fact that her left eye was glued shut with my cum may have been a contributing factor. “Oh my god I’m so sorry” was all I could say. I didn’t know what to do, so thinking that my t-shirt might work like a Hefty towel, I whipped it up over my head and tried to wipe the goop off her face, but all I did in the process was mess up her make-up and push the cum from her left eye into her right, hell I practically blinded the poor girl. Luckily, the idea to wet the t-shirt came to me, so I doused the shirt I beer and wiped my girls face clean. Ever the gentleman, yes indeed.

Now lots of people might think having a “sure thing” on her knees in front of you and prematurely ejaculating into eye might ruin the night, but not for this girl, Savannah, the porn star wannabe, told me that “it’s okay, now you’ll last longer when we fuck”. I’m making a mental note to start planning the wedding as soon as possible. My goddess, with cum matted hair, eyes red from the semen and the beer that had washed them out, still looked sexy as fuck. When she grabbed my semi hard cock and aimed it at her mouth for the second time tonight, I knew I was headed to heaven.

Savannah place my knob to her lips and sucked me into her wet mouth, and I’ll tell you something, it was the best feeling ever. I felt my knees weaken and try to buckle under me, but I fought off the temptation. I was going enjoy this for as long as I could. The sucking, her tongue licking on my shaft, her soft lips holding my cock into her mouth were all new sensations to me and as many times as you see it in a movie or look at it in pictures, nothing and I mean absolutely nothing, compares or prepares you for the real thing. After a solid 45 seconds of Savannah’s incredible oral skills, I still hadn’t cum again. I was a goddamned hero. So, I leaned back into a pile of hay bales, put my hands on her head and enjoyed the ride. Man, now that I finally got my feet / dick wet, I was doing okay, I wished Tory and the other guys could see me go.

Because this was my first sexual experience and I had nothing to compare it to, I wasn’t sure if things were going according to schedule. How long should this last? What should I do? Should I talk to her? Shout out words of encouragement? Maybe I should tell her what a good job she is doing and slap her on the ass, like when a teammate makes a good play. My decision was to play it cool. Every porno I had ever watched flashed back through my head, until one scene came to mind and I thought that I would try to make it a reality. So, like the male lead in one of many porno movies, I put one hand on Savannah’s head, pulling her deeper onto my cock and with the other hand, like a fucking stud, I reached down and grabbed my beer.

I couldn’t help but think, what better way was there to spend a Friday night, winning our football game, a hot little thing polishing my knob and a cold beer, I was a fucking champion. What did I do in my life to deserve this? I was a fucking king. A goddamned thoroughbred stallion. I smiled as Savannah made a gurgling noise around my shaft, and I took a huge chug of Lone Star’s finest. The beer and the cigarette butt that was in it, were half way down my throat when they were met by the vomit that was on its way up to meet them.

The sound of my puke splashing down over Savannahs golden hair is not one that I will quickly forget. Not unlike the things you read about or see in movies, someone puking on you, can and will, start a chain reaction, Savannah didn’t need to look up to know what had happened, I think the smell and chunks were enough of a dead giveaway. She let fly with her own warm gush of barf and it landed all over my cock and balls. If not for the situation, I would have been inclined to say it had an interesting feeling. But I quickly snapped back into reality when my “sure thing” screamed “OH MY GOD, WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” at the top of her lungs.

Try as I might, I didn’t know what to do. It was like everything was going in slow motion. It wasn’t until I heard Troy’s mother yelling at me “Oh my god Joe, what the hell did you do?”, that I understood what was going on. What a sight it must have been, Savannah had her tits out, crying and pulling my puke out of her hair, I was standing near her with barf dripping off my hardon and balls, into my underwear and jeans that were a wrapped around my ankles. In retrospect, when looking at Savannah’s hair, I can honestly say that I probably wouldn’t have had the second helping of the baked beans.

The barn was becoming alive with sound of voices, panic filled my brain, what should I do? I tried to run, but tripped over my vomit filled pants, so I pulled them up as quickly as I possibly could, yanked up the zipper and…

“Oh, my fucking god.” I heard Troy say it before the pain pierced through my soul. My sack was stretched and zipped into about a good 3 inches of my zipper. It wasn’t all that long before I was crying just as hard as Savannah was.

Troy’s uncle put me in the back of his pick-up truck and drove me to the emergency room. His mom called my mother and she met me at the hospital. What a sight I must been when mom and my sister picked me up, my t-shirt coated in cum, make-up and beer, the front of my pants covered in blood and puke, all the while stinking of vomit. My mother and sister both confirmed to me that I was headed straight to hell and there was no doubt about it at all.

News travelled quickly around the school, hell I was even getting strange looks at church when my mother forced the whole family into going on Sunday so that we could try to save the “fornicating little deviant”. I couldn’t walk anywhere without hearing the snickers and whispers, I was doomed for life.

It was Troy’s idea that I should seek “professional” help. Considering the fact, that I fucked up with the “sure thing”, my odds were not looking good. So, Troy said that he knew of a little place off highway #10 that had very pretty ladies and for a $100 bill, they were all yours. We agreed that we would make the trek after our first playoff game, to celebrate our win.

Well that win almost didn’t happen. My scrotum was so sore that I couldn’t scramble to save my own life. I was negative 45 yards rushing, was sacked 6 times, but tossed 3 touchdowns and luckily, we won 21 -17. Sore sack and all.

With my bag loaded up with 4 coats of New Skin bandaging and some waterproof gauze, we were on our way to The Wild Orchid, a fine establishment where apparently loose women and good time abound, just not for me.

The idea of having sex in an Asian brothel really didn’t offend me too much, in fact I had spent every free minute of the past week watching Asian porn and the thought of a tiny oriental girl wrapped in a Kimono bouncing her hairy black bush up and down on my cock, worked for me. What did offend me or at least my senses, was the look and smell of the place. As soon as Troy pulled the door open, the smell of sewage and cheap perfume hit us like a defensive linebacker blitzing up the middle. We should have walked away at that point, but stupidity reigns supreme.

Troy lead the way, sporting a $100 bill, in one hand and his boner in the other. Suzy, the receptionist, showed us into the lounge area and said that the ladies would be with us shortly. The teammate debate was simple, who got the first pick of the girls, of course I said that it should be me, with it being my first time, Troy said that it should be him, because he drove, and the 2 other guys said that they didn’t give a fuck, as long as they got to pop a nut.