There was just something about the sound that sent chills up my spine, the crisp, clear, click, click, click of my heels on the pristine marble floor as I made my way across the lobby of the Four Seasons. My party was waiting for me in the hotel’s dining room. I knew I owned the room as every eye in the place took in the tall, leggy blonde in the deep blue dress and four-inch heels.

Of course, it hadn’t always been that way and just three short years ago, this moment was the furthest thing from my mind. I had come so far and had my ex-wife Claudia to thank for all of it. When it all started, thanking her had been the furthest thing from my mind.

It was all just a misunderstanding, it really was, but Claudia couldn’t, wouldn’t, let it go. We were going on a cruise for our fifth wedding anniversary, and I wanted to surprise her with as close to an all-over tan as I could get, so what did I do? Well, the same thing any other self-respecting guy, secure in his masculinity with a hot bod, would do. I borrowed one of my gorgeous wife’s lacey thongs to lie out in.

I mean, I’m in great shape, just under six feet and fit as hell. While I’m not much of a shower, I have a slightly above average cock and know how to use it to make Claudia scream my name, sometimes more than once. I’m not a muscle-bound jock, but I’m not feminine either.

So, in my mind, a lacey thong equals minimal tan lines, and the meager front will keep my stuff covered if I don’t get too excited. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

Yeah, Claudia didn’t think so either.

“Jeffrey, what the hell?” she only called me Jeffrey when she was mad. “Are you laying out in the backyard in my panties?”

“Um, hey, I thought I’d surprise you with my tan when we went on our cruise.” I could see on her face she didn’t buy it.

“Really? You were more concerned with our neighbors seeing you naked than in my panties? Come on Jeff, I’m not stupid. I know you’ve been in my panty drawer for a while now. I just needed proof,” she stormed back into the house. It surprised me that the glass in the door didn’t shatter.

She was right, I had been digging out thongs for a couple of months when she was out of the house so I could lie out, but it was nothing more than that, really, it wasn’t.

I couldn’t remember ever seeing her this mad. There had to be more to it than seeing me laying out in the sun to get a tan in a tiny thong. She’d tell me when she was ready.

On the upside, I figured the make-up sex was going to be epic.

Yeah, sometimes I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I gave her five minutes and then went to follow her, only to find the door locked and I certainly wasn’t going around to the front door dressed like this. I laughed at my predicament, locked out of my house dressed in only a lacey thong, with my keys, phone, and wallet upstairs in the bedroom. I was screwed. But hey, she’d cool down in a few minutes and let me in and we could talk like rational adults. I could hear her moving around inside, after all. She just needed some time.

Suddenly hyper-conscious of my appearance, I pulled a chair up into the nook by the door and crossed my legs and pulled my arms across my chest. Sure, Claudia was calling all our neighbors and telling them about the pervert in her backyard; they were all looking out their windows with binoculars, I just knew it.

It had been hours since she found me. She would come let me in any minute. I knew she would, then I heard her car leave. Fuck.

I don’t know how long it was, but the sun had gone from high overhead to dusk when the side gate to my yard opened. “Jeff, you back here?” it was Jeremy, my brother-in-law. I guess things could get worse. “Damn, Claudia wasn’t joking. What the hell, man?”

I told him the truth; I was just trying to get an all-over tan, and the thong seemed like a logical choice.

“Well, you’re lucky she loves you, man. She sent me over with your keys. She’s going to stay with me for a few days until she settles down.” He tossed me my keys.

I waited for Jeremy to turn the corner before I got up and opened the door. Fuck, this was bad. I mean, hell, they were just panties. It wasn’t like I was cheating on her or anything.

I guess I should explain something. Claudia is an amazing woman, regional sales director for a national chain, she is smart, stunningly beautiful, driven to the point of what some would call an obsession, when she sets her mind on something, I have never seen her not get what she wants, it just doesn’t happen. She is also very concerned with her image, which she has every right to be. She busted her ass to get where she was.

She’s not manipulative or malicious, quite the opposite. One of the most caring people I have ever met, she just knows what she wants and has mastered the art of helping people get what they want at the same time; a veritable genius in the world of win/win, Dale Carnegie would be proud of her. I know I am.

I was lucky enough to be one of those conquests. She even had a file on her desk labeled Adams/Spencer Merger. According to her best friend, she started the file the day she first met me. We got married two years later.

I don’t think that me in a pair of panties in our backyard, for whatever reason, was in her plan. I just didn’t understand why it was such a big deal.

Now, I’ll admit I may be laid-back to a fault, but I’m smart and very good at what I do, and as Bill Gates supposedly said, “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because they’ll find an easy way to do it.” In my life the easy way usually means I just do what Claudia wants, a lot; it also helps that on the big things like finances, we are in lockstep agreement. It also means that I recognize that her option is probably going to be just as good as mine if not better and understand there is a good way and a bad way to win an argument with your wife. If something comes up that Claudia and I really disagree on, we’ve always been able to talk it out, turning the situation into one of her famous win-win’s.

How to make a win-win out of my current predicament was going to be interesting, especially considering when I got out of the shower and tried to call her. She had blocked me. When I went to get dressed, Claudia had replaced all my boxer briefs with a pile of her panties and a note that said, “Have fun.”

I sorted through them. I had considered the thong to be utilitarian considering what I was trying to do. The thongs weren’t comfortable at all, giving me a wedgie that made me squirm, so those I put in one pile. I sorted the rest as practically as I could. The frilly lace ones went into one pile and the simple cotton bikinis into another. Mostly, I was just looking for the style that would keep my stuff in place and not crawl up my crack; the cotton bikini briefs won.

Stressed, tired and hungry, I called Dominoes and decided to just get ready for bed. Opening the drawer that had all my sleep shorts and t-shirts, I sighed a heavy sigh. “Fuck,” she had taken them too. The drawer was full of her frilly lace and satin nightgowns.

I dug through the drawer and on the bottom found a pair of PINK shorts. Yes, the brand, well, the color too, but you know what I mean with a matching tank top. The shorts were so pink they were almost fuchsia and dotted with little hearts in pale pink, bright red, and purple, with the word ‘PINK’ emblazoned across the butt. The shirt matched the pale pink hearts from the shorts and had ‘I LOVE PINK’ in big block letters across the front. At least I wouldn’t be running around in just the damned panties.

I made my way to the kitchen, grabbed a beer, and went into the den to channel surf until my pizza got here. The doorbell rang, and I pulled thirty dollars from my wallet. The pizza only costs fifteen. I opened the door, handed the kid the money, “lost a bet with my wife,” I gave him a weak smile, he did a double take, counted the money, and ran back to his car. He and his coworkers probably laughed themselves silly for the rest of the night. The thing was, the soft fabrics felt good against my skin.

I ate my pie, drank my beer, watched ‘The Expendables’ for the twelfth time, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed thankful it was Friday, and I had all weekend to figure things out.

Saturday morning, I woke up later than usual, probably because it took me forever to fall asleep, my mind racing with thoughts of Claudia, what she was thinking and what it was going to take to get her back, I didn’t even think about the clothes she had taken. That would hit me square in the face in a few minutes.

Claudia and I are almost the same size, I’m two inches taller at 5’11” and have a broader chest, that’s about it, my thirty-inch waist was effectively the same as her size 6, and my thirty-four-inch chest about the same as her 32C, so what she had done would theoretically work.

I opened my sock drawer and found her socks in soft pastel colors, a few with lacey fringe along the top, pantyhose, and a few sets of stockings, along with a couple of garter belts. In the drawer where I kept my shorts, I found half a dozen pair of her shorts, the longest with three-inch inseams. My t-shirt drawer was empty.

In the closet, my side was completely devoid of clothes. She had even taken my favorite boots. Thinking she may have moved my stuff there; I checked the guest room. Nothing. I did, however, have full access to everything on her side of the closet.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I tried to call Claudia again only to find she still had me blocked, went to the bathroom, and then downstairs to make some breakfast considering my clothing options against the list of things I needed to get done today, mow the yard, make a run to the hardware store for some supplies for a project I’m working on, and based on the looks of the fridge, head to the grocery store.

Just peachy.

Mowing the yard was not so bad, the longest pair of shorts I could find, Claudia’s old Grateful Dead t-shirt and her grungiest pair of sneakers. The shorts were tight and the t-shirt on the small side, but the few neighbors that walked by didn’t seem to notice or care if they did.

The upside of having a smoking-hot wife that knew it was that she always dressed in a way that showed off her assets, the downside was that when she strands you with nothing but her clothes to wear, you have no choice but to do the same thing. Finding a pair of jeans that didn’t have rhinestones all over the pockets was challenging enough. Figuring out what to do with my little friend and the twins was a whole different deal.

It took a little trial and error and a google search, but I figured out how to tuck them out of the way so they didn’t get crushed, and I could zip the pants without them being front and center for everyone to see, the result was a nice snug fit, smooth crotch and an ass that looked like it had jeans painted on it. I had admired that look a thousand times, just with a different ass; I admitted to myself that mine looked damned good.

Ok, so now I need a shirt. Claudia has button downs, one must work, I chose one with sleeves already rolled up; it buttoned from the wrong side and was a sort of dusty pink color that was almost khaki; I justified my choice. I slipped it on and buttoned it up. Damn, her clothes were so much softer than mine.

Last were shoes. I scanned the rows and rows of shoes. She had tried to find something, anything, that would work. I could have worn the same ratty sneakers that I had worn to mow the yard, but they just didn’t feel right. My eyes kept going back to the boots. Yeah, the boots. Maybe I could even get them under the jeans. That would be perfect. Knee high, lace-up boots with three-inch heels. Who was I fricking kidding? I was getting into this whole thing.

Grabbing a pair of socks from the drawer, I pretended to just grab the first ones I saw. The fact they were pink like my shirt was a coincidence. Yeah right.

I slipped my feet in, pulling the boots up over my jeans and slowly pulled the zipper up the inside of my legs. I snugged the laces a bit and tied them off, took a deep breath and stood up, walking across the closet to the dressing mirror on the back of the door.

Damn, this was a cute outfit. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride when I realized this was something Claudia would wear.

Looking closer, I tucked the shirt in and added a belt. The high waist of the jeans emphasized the femininity of the outfit and something about that made me feel warm inside.

The image in the mirror was feminine, but something was off. I tousled my hair, giving myself messy bangs. It helped, but it still wasn’t quite right. I went to the bathroom and sat at Claudia’s vanity. I had seen her transform herself as if by magic dozens of times and thought I could handle a few basics.

Rummaging through her makeup drawer, I recognized her eyeliner. Dark lines quickly surrounded my bright blue eyes. It was a start. Mascara was next. My already long lashes became full and luscious. I filled in my eyelids with a gray highlighter, smoothing it in until it was just subtle enough. My eyes popped.

One more thing, I thought, and I saw it, a bright pink lipstick. Wait, how had she done this? A darker lip liner first and then the color.

I had always been a bit of a pretty boy, high cheekbones, full lips, and a soft chin and thick hair, but damn, with just that bit of help, I was cute.

There was no way I was getting anything in the pockets of these jeans, so another quick trip to the closet and I dropped my wallet, keys, and lipstick into the small purse, draping the long thin strap over my shoulder, I made it into the garage before I started hyperventilating.

It took a few minutes for me to catch my breath and my hands were shaking when I hit the button to open the garage, but I started the car and pulled out, checking myself in the mirror one last time, just as I had seen Claudia do a thousand times, and headed for the hardware store.

I knew exactly where the hinges and brackets I needed were and it was a quick in and out at Lowes. The way men ogled Claudia had been a source of pride for me, and I couldn’t help but notice they were looking at me the same way. No one was laughing or pointing. They were all trying not to get caught looking at me by their wives and girlfriends. I laughed to myself as I paid at the self-checkout and headed out to my car.

The grocery store was next. It was a repeat of the hardware store, except I was just there longer. I even passed a few people I knew and never got a second look.

Groceries put away. I tried to call Claudia again, still blocked, so I called Jeremy. She still wasn’t ready to talk to me.

With no idea of when Claudia was coming home and when I would have my regular clothes back, my boss, Chris, was next. I explained I was dealing with some personal issues and might need a few days off, or at least to work from home until it all settled down. He didn’t have an issue because I never took time off and my project was weeks early due to me being lazy and finding the easy way to do something hard.

With a few days on my hands and nothing to do, I made some lunch, opened a beer, grabbed my laptop, and started surfing the web. No, not porn, that was never my thing. I looked up a few articles on some technologies I wanted to explore and read a bit about Dak Prescott’s new contract. I checked the baseball scores and ultimately found myself engrossed in, of all things, makeup tutorials. There were videos on foundation, highlights, different eye shadow methods, and various types of lipstick and lip gloss, who knew there was a difference.

Down the rabbit hole I went, I found videos on light versus heavy makeup and when each was appropriate, even when to go slutty and how. It was the ultimate rabbit hole. By the time the first yawn escaped my mouth, I had watched twelve hours of video, marking the ones that I liked the best as favorites, and hadn’t touched my sandwich.

I plugged my laptop in to charge, ate my sandwich, and headed upstairs to bed. I knew exactly what I was going to be doing tomorrow.

My clothes in the hamper, I used Claudia’s makeup wipes on my eyes, just as I had seen her do a hundred times, wiped the lipstick off my lips, and climbed in the shower. Using Claudia’s shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, maybe her scent would help me sleep, I scrubbed the day from my body.

For reasons I didn’t fully understand, I chose a pair of lacy, frilly panties to sleep in and the satin nightgown that came closest to matching them. Climbing into bed, I checked my phone once more, just in case, and drifted off to sleep.

Sunday, I got up and didn’t even bother to get dressed, I spent the entire day playing with Claudia’s makeup, I sat at her vanity in my nightgown and watched the videos I had liked and then watched them again, trying every look I could think of, even full on slutty, my stomach finally complained, and I knew it was time to quit. Looking back at me was a pretty face with simple yet elegant makeup.

There were my blue eyes and my shaggy blonde hair, but that was about it. I smiled at myself, got up and dropped my nightgown and went into the closet to find something to wear to go get something to eat.

Choosing another pair of jeans, skintight all the way to my ankles with small zippers at the bottom to allow my feet through, I added a white top with purple flowers flowing up from the hem turning into butterflies and a pair of ankle boots that had a slightly taller heel than the knee boots I had worn yesterday.

Dropping my lipstick and my phone into my purse, I headed downstairs and out the door to my car. A short drive later and I pulled into my favorite BBQ place, checked myself in the mirror, touched up my lipstick because I could, and went inside.

Of all people, I got in line right in front of Jeremy. It was obvious he didn’t know who I was. He kept trying not to get caught looking at me. I thought it was hilarious. I knew I had the ass and the way the blouse hung off my body; it appeared I had modest breasts, small enough that a bra was unnecessary. Jeremy, being a total ass man, he and I had discussed it over many beers many times. I was just his type, or so he thought.

I watched Jeremy on the monitor displaying the people in line as we inched closer and closer to the counter. God, I wish I could get a recording of it. He couldn’t keep his eyes off me.

When we finally got to the front of the line, he made his move, “excuse me miss, but if you’re alone, I’d be happy to buy you dinner tonight.”

A brief flash of panic went through me, but I had survived the hardware store and the grocery store, and this was Jeremy. I turned and smiled at him, looking him over. The line was clumsy and awkward. Any self-respecting woman would probably have called security. “That’s really unnecessary, Jeremy, but you’re welcome to join me and fill me in on how Claudia is doing.”

That was the moment. The look on his face was beyond priceless. His eyes went wide, his jaw literally dropped. He stood there staring at me for a good five seconds.


“Miss, are you two together?” the young man at the counter called to us.

“Close your mouth Jeremy, you’re drooling.” I laughed and took him by the arm, leading him up to the counter.