To the casual observer the Literotica Universe looks much like ours. The sun heats the earth, people require food and sleep, there are roads and cars. However for those new to it, whether reader or writer, there are some subtle and some not so subtle ways in which it differs. Please consider this, in no particular order, a non-exhaustive guide:

1. Unless you’re a soon-to-be cuckolded husband, a small but important group in the Literotica Universe, your penis is large. Some are titanic, but all are thicker and longer than the median, bigger than average. You may argue that this is impossible, that by definition the median-sized penis is the penis for which there are an equal number of penises larger and smaller than it, but you would be wrong. While that may be true in our universe, in the Literotica Universe all penises are larger than average.

2. Given time every woman will realize she is bisexual and come to enjoy multiple partners. If you’re a teacher balling the quarterback, that blonde cheerleader in the back row is starting to look mighty good and you’re happy when, catching you two, she joins right in. If you’re a mother doing your well-hung son (Rule 1) while your small-dicked husband (Rule 1 again) is at the office and your daughter heading home from college for the summer, you’ll find that with the help of her hot roommate (Rule 9) she’s discovered she’s bi-sexual. Get ready for your first threesome.

The lesbian category may be an exception to this rule. I don’t have enough familiarity with those stories to offer a firm thesis, but based on what I’ve read it may be true that in this part of the Literotica Universe all women realize (or at least should) they are gay. Can anyone help me on this?

3. All women are multi-orgasmic. They come, and come, and come again, mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasms. And while in our universe 80% of woman report they’ve faked an orgasm and 57% say they fake it most of the time, in the Literotica Universe no woman fakes it unless she’s with a soon-to-be cuckolded husband or boyfriend. They don’t have to. See Rule 12.

4. Better gonads. Guys in the Literotica Universe have amazing recuperative powers. Not only are there erections preternaturally resurrected mere moments after ejaculation (assuming they even bothered to get soft), they manufacture semen at dizzying rates. Minutes after deluging a woman’s womb with a Biblical flood of cum they blow a load in her mouth impossible to swallow. While this fecundity may seem impossible to harmonize with Rule 11, the Literotica Universe is a very special place.

5. When guys come it never just dribbles out, it explodes in an arch rivaling the one sitting on the Mississippi River’s west bank in St. Louis.

6. With the possible exception of the science fiction category, gravity in the Literotica Universe works almost the same as if does here. Dropped eggs splatter on the floor, no one floats away. However, in the Literotica Universe gravity exempts women’s breasts. When the foxy (Rule 9) forty-two year old Chief Executive Officer of the tech start-up where you work (Rule 8) finally unveils those “D’s” you’ve been lusting for, at worst there is a slight, very slight, sag, but more likely they stand as high on her chest and are as firm as those of an eighteen year old whose “B’s” sprouted only a year ago.

It’s also possible that gravity only mildly interacts with cum, which would help explain Rule 5.

I confess that for reasons I don’t understand I have trouble with this rule. I’m reading your story. The narrator’s smoking hot nubile teenaged next-door neighbor, whose been flirting with his middle-aged butt all summer, is sucking his cock, returning it to full erection minutes after he fucked her to orgasms too numerous to count then yanked it from her pussy and jerked on it until, in heavy spurts, he sprayed a thick blanket of gooey delicious cum (Rule 14) from her face to her pussy (Rule 5), when her equally hot mother walks in. She’s been straight her entire life and faithful in her marriage, but was just thinking how horny she is, how her small dicked-husband doesn’t satisfy her, and suddenly realizes she’s never seen anything as sexy as her daughter’s sweet swollen semen-saturated snatch (Rule 2). She drops to the floor and expertly feasts on it (Rule 10) while the narrator fucks her doggy style. This story makes perfect sense to me, I’m sure it happens all the time. However, when the daughter rips off her mother’s top and her braless “DD’s” stand tall and proud on her chest without a hint of sag, I’m thinking wait a minute, that would never happen. I can offer no explanation for this distinction.

7. Jealously is different. If you walk in on your wife or husband doing the milkman or milkwoman you’ll get jealous only if (a) the milkman’s or milkwoman’s significant other is hot as shit and (b) your jealousy motivates you to exact revenge by doing the significant other. Otherwise you are fine with it and join in.

8. Jobs and work are also different. People have jobs, but they never interfere with sex. Unless you are a soon-to-be cuckolded husband you’re never too tired from a day at the grindstone or too busy at the office to have sex. For example, in our universe you’re unlikely to hear the following:

“What did I do at work today? Me and the guys moved the Grand Canyon, then had to put it back. Turns out we had the wrong frigging permit. Can you believe it? Look, can your mother watch the kids tonight? I need a few vigorous hours in the sack with your hot naked bod.”

“Yeah babe, spent a brutal day in the hospital tending to puking febrile children. It’s an epidemic. They got dangerously dehydrated but I think, at least I hope, we finally got it under control. Let’s fuck til the sun comes up.”

There are also no sexual harassment lawsuits. In fact people at work do very little work, they’re too busy humping co-workers, clients, and customers. Still, somehow, the economy hums along.

9. When I was growing up I’d watch Star Trek and think, “Cool, in the future all women are good looking, heck even aliens are good looking.” The future is now: in the Literotica Universe all woman, even aliens in Mind Control and Science Fiction stories, are good looking. Men, except for soon-to-be cuckolded husbands, and especially sons, are also good looking, but the point is rarely dwelt on.

Question: if all woman were good looking, would they then all be plain? That is, if all woman looked like some version of Aishwarya Rai, Jasmine Tookes, Viki Odintcova, Cha Hao, Scarlett Johanssen, and Lupita Nyong’o would men rate them all as 5’s on a 10 point scale? 10. There are no sexually transmitted diseases. On second thought, there are. Occasionally characters mention them, it’s just that no one catches them.

11. While there is abundant unprotected sex, out of wedlock pregnancies happen in only two happy circumstances. If you’re a young unmarried woman who gets pregnant you’re guaranteed the boy (and more rarely, the girl) you’re carrying will grow up to be a hunk in full compliance with Rule 1 and at age 18 will ensure you live Rule 3. He’ll also likely to be the perfect father of the additional children you always wanted.

12. In the Literotica Universe everyone is good in bed, first time to last, which may explain Rule 3. There are two exceptions. The first, yep you guessed it, the soon-to-be cuckolded husband or boyfriend. This dude’s clueless. The second is the occasional young man or woman who, after an unsatisfactory experience or two, will be tutored by a sister or brother, uncle or aunt, mother or father, grandfather or grandmother, the MILF/FILF down the street, a camp counselor or teacher. They’re extraordinary tutors, the tutored are highly skilled lovers long before the end of the first lesson.

13. Although they may be reluctant to try it, having heard a friend condemn it or having a prior bad experience (perhaps on a visit to our universe), women in the Literotica Universe come to love deep throating and anal sex. There is, in fact, a suggestion in the medical literature that entering the Literotica Universe causes throats and anuses to grow nerve endings and for the latter to gain the ability to produce natural lubricants.

14. In another biological effect of the Literotica Universe, while cum comes in an endless variety of tastes — salty and sweet, subtle and strong — all are delicious. The stuff is also deeply nutritious; there are denizens of the Literotica Universe who survive for decades on little else.

15. Despite the fact that the Literotica Universe is a sexual free-for-all it manages to do something no other society, no matter how conservative or authoritarian, on this earth has ever done: keep everyone under the age of 18 a virgin.

Agree? Disagree? Did I miss a rule? Do any need to be refined? Have I displayed a woeful ignorance of the Literotica Universe? Write and let me know.